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| so what is this? i don't seem to have the same ability to write as i used to. i can't sit down for an hour and just write like i used to. i don't feel like i have the same passion as i used to. all ive wanted to do was be an author ever since i was a little girl. ive never wanted to be anything else. i continued attempting to write this new story i called 'the photographer' and i just couldnt really get into it. its been that way with a lot of my new stories. so backing out on that career a little bit makes me feel weird. its all good though, im not worried about careers. i'm really excited to be going into phych :) and its also a career my mom thinks is really good. anyway, speaking of careers and the like, college. ive been looking and im just not really finding anything that strikes me. its all me :P my parents said i shouldnt get any help because they didnt get any help either so im a bit stuck. the only way they'll pay for the first year of my college is if i goto RVC so i cant go away my first year. so idk. im feeling a bit stressed out becuase i need to apply and i havent visited any colleges. this is so gross. i wanna pull my hair out | | |
| and then continued to do so? it was like wherever you turned you just ran into more trouble, more problems, more confusion? life'll throw you some of those. the worst thing is to succumb to those feelings that are screaming inside you. the ones that make you just want to sleep all day, blast the hate music through your mp3, and do everything you can to empty your mind. feelings are incredibly controlling and once you give them a foothold, they can send you crashing back to the very place from which you'd worked so hard to get away from. i need to focus. pick myself up. remember my purpose. and go. [gotta love this :) ] 
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| God said, "I've never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love! And so now I'll start over with you and build you up again..." Jeremiah 31:3 Thank you, MJ Patten. For your status kicking me in the butt. God told me tonight, as I was at my most frustrating point, as I was seeming to fall apart on the inside, as I was plotting revenge against someone I know I shouldnt have, "I loved you then." I loved you when you were the hardest person to love. I loved you when you cursed My name and walked away, saying that you would never return- that you would never love Me. I loved you when you were angry at Me. He loved me then... So why shouldnt I show love to him when its hard? When he makes me angry? After God asked me to. Wow, major conviction. This is were it gets hard. (partial quote from Fireproof). This is what God called me to do, even when it seems like i'm so far from what should be happening. Even when all I want is to have nothing to do with him. If I love him when he's treated me like that, wouldnt that make a much bigger statement? God has big plans. My emotions will NOT under ANY circumstance mess this up. That boy's life is going to be changed whether he wants it to or not :). Thank You, Lord. for showing me that You loved me then. | | |
| now is the point thats the home stretch. God's saying, praise me regardless of how stagnant it seems like things are. Things are happening and are going to happen. Keep praying and letting me work through you. i plan on it. hope everyone has really changed this summer! i can feel somethin new coming on! :] God Bless<3 "I would die for you"- mercyme. | | |
| So I have to cling to that mentality. I have to hold tight to my God and not my feelings when the boat starts to rock on stormy waters.When my feelings have taken an all time low and then suddenly, out of the blue, erupt to incredibly hopeful hights, i have to hold firm. Hope is the word. And I fear hope for the wrong reason. I fear that im hoping for someone's downfall and that is totally wrong of me. It's just becuase these feelings and i really like him. Just gotta hold onto God. | | |
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